Deadpool PSA 1
by megamatt09
Summary: Deadpool and Hermione Granger discuss Hermione bashing.
1. Chapter 1

"Okay….okay, you want me to do what?" Deadpool asked as he craned his neck. "You do realize that you're rapidly crossing the line into douchebag territory, don't you?"

There was an unintelligible voice that sounded like an adult out of a Peanuts cartoon. Deadpool listened hard.

"Well….yeah….same to you pal!" Deadpool snapped as he shook his head. He cleared his throat. "So….guess I got to do this."

He cleared his throat and turned to face the direction of the fourth wall.

"Hello, my name is Wade Wilson and you might remember me from such movies as…..actually I never was in any movies," Deadpool said.

'_How about X-Men Origins: Wolverine?' _one of the voices in Deadpool's head chimed in cheerfully.

'_How about you shut up?' _Deadpool thought back to the voice.

"Okay, I'm here to talk about a very serious subject," Deadpool commented as he looked at the fourth wall with intensity. "Racial profiling against leprechauns is very wrong and you all should be ashamed of yourself."

Deadpool stopped and smiled.

"And with that out of the way, I have to discuss something else, I have a crush on Dolores Umbridge and I want to have mad passionate sex with her and make all of you watch," Deadpool said without any humor whatsoever in his voices."

There was a pause.

There was a pause.

There was a pause.

There was still pausing.

Deadpool checked his watch.

He was still pausing.

Deadpool was still pausing.

Still pausing.

Still pausing.

What was that mysterious ticking noise?

Snape, Snape, Severus Snape. Snape, Snape, Severus Snape.

'_No we don't,' _one of Deadpool's voices said.

'_Oh yes, we do, we're not talking about this,' _Deadpool thought to him.

There was a moment where Deadpool shook his head.

"Okay, no one has a crush on Dolores Umbridge, although I'm sure that many people would like to crush her, although you aren't supposed to like her people, so obviously, you hate her, and it's a good thing you hate her, because she's hate able person that you should hate," Deadpool said as he smiled. "Anyways…..that's not a real word I know."

'_Quit stalling and get on with it, you're just delaying it, because you don't want her fans to maul you to death in a dark alley,' _one of the voices in Deadpool's head.

"Fine, I'm here to discuss….Hermione Granger," Deadpool said with a sigh as he shook his head. "It seems like a lot of people are in this fan fiction mentality that just because a character…..is treated in a matter that is less than favorable, the author is bashing them."

Deadpool sighed.

"Fuck where do I begin?" the Merc with the Mouth said seriously. "I'm going to say this nicely."

'_We are?' _one of the voices in Deadpool's head said.

"Yes…I guess," Deadpool said in a deadpan tone. "Back in the year….something or other, might have been the 1990s, nothing of note happened before then, I think. People started writing fan fiction. A little of it was good and a lot of it was shit. And then there was My Immortal which was the most amazing thing ever written and far better than Golden Girls Orgy."

Cue the loud cheers and a chorus of amens.

"Hermione Granger….is vastly overrated as a character, because of a few reasons, and I'll tell you them," Deadpool said as he ticked him off. "For one….you do get the impression sometimes that Hermione is the most important character in the series given that half of the solutions were pulled out of her ass. The Potter lad only gets on the title because of marketing purposes. Second, Emma Watson…need we say more? Never mind that her acting is….okay at best, and she's only about the second best Emma, or maybe the third."

Deadpool closed his eyes.

"We know Ronald Weasley is no prized peach, I think we all agree on that, right?" Deadpool asked and there were nods. "But Hermone…she was pushy, she was overbearing, she was jealous, oh boy believe me she was jealous. I've had psychotic ex-girlfriends who came after me with a machete that were more balance than young Miss Granger was. And she has social skills that our worse than yours and that's pretty sad, isn't it?"

There were titters of agreement.

"So, we're bashing her….for portraying her in a way that is backed up by canon, because that makes perfect fucking sense, doesn't it?" Deadpool asked. "And yes, Ginerva was not a prize peach either, although Rowling can't write romance worth a crap. Hell Joe Quesada can write romance better than JK Rowling, and One More Day was better than the last two Harry Potter books."

Deadpool waited as there were gasps and cries of "oh no, you didn't."

"Anyway, I've brought in Miss Hermione Granger to tell her side of the story, in the interest of fairness," Deadpool said as he looked forward. "Hermione, could you please come out. Don't worry, I don't bite!"

A plain girl with bushy dark hair walked out into the picture. She was cute in a girl next door way and not ugly, but she was not drop dead gorgeous as well.

"So, Hermione, how are you?" Deadpool asked.

"Not well," Hermione told him seriously.

"Oh, not well, and why are you not well?" Deadpool asked.

"I think you know, for the smartest girl in my age, you think that I could do better than marrying Ronald Weasley," Hermione said as she shook her head.

"Yeah, that wasn't so….bloody brilliant!" Deadpool said in a really bad impression of Ron. "And you named one of your kids Hugo….seriously if Albus Severus and Scorpius did not exist, I would say that would be the name most likely to get a kid's ass kicked at recess. You should have named him Bea Arthur, now that would have been a kick ass name."

"Maybe," Hermione admitted, not smiling at all. "But…I don't think any of these marriages are going to last a minute past the epilogue."

"Look on the bright side Hermy, you only have four years left to go before that's not canon, not that it matters in fan fiction," Deadpool said to her. "So, Luna married a guy named Rolf, didn't she?"

"Yes," Hermione said, wondering where this was going to go.

"If it isn't the same one from Ed, Edd, and Eddy, I'll be sorely disappointed, now that would be the most epic crossover pairing ever," Deadpool said and there was nodding. "So what is your opinion about how the author guy is portraying you in Inheritance?"

"I don't honestly give a fuck," Hermione deadpanned and there was a surprise. "I mean, it's just a story, isn't it? It's just for entertainment. Why should people take things so seriously? I mean, isn't there a lot bigger problems in the world? Government corruption is still alive and well in 2014."

"Yeah, well that will be around as long as there's governments," Deadpool said seriously.

'_Yeah what about that Obamac….'_

'_NO, NO, NO, WE ARE NOT FUCKING GOING THERE!' _Deadpool thought in a panic. When real life politics were brought into a fictional story, the rest went downhill quickly.

"I don't mind being bashed…. And I'm not really bashed, I was a bit of a cunt when I was a teenager…..I can freely admit that," Hermione said to Deadpool. "Besides, things could be worse."

"Oh, how is that?" Deadpool asked.

"I could be shipped with Snape or Draco or both," Hermione said with a grimace.

"That's true," Deadpool said with a nod. "So, you don't care about being bashed?"

"No," Hermione admitted.

"Oh good," Deadpool said as he pulled a large mallet out from behind his back and bashed Hermione in the face with a wild swing. Hermione thumped to the ground after being bashed by Deadpool. "Now that's bashing Hermione!"

He laughed like a third year old on a sugar high.

"I'm going to have to bring Harley back her mallet, she kind of needs it," Deadpool said, as he left the unconscious and bleeding form of Hermione Granger on the ground.

He skipped away merrily whistling a merry tune in glee.

**The End. **


	2. Update!

_**Update!**_

The original Unsolved Mysteries theme starts playing in the background, not the cheap crap Spike TV remake version, but the good version that gave many people who watched it nightmares.

"Previously we have profiled the strange and baffling case of people who complain about other people being bashed, namely one Miss Hermione Granger. We discussed this with young Miss Granger and….well she didn't give a fuck, so why should you?"

Deadpool stepped into a shadows, wearing a brown trenchcoat.

"Hello, I'm Robert Stack….."

'_No, you're not, you're Wade Wilson, Robert Stack is dead,' _one of the voices in Deadpool's head statement.

'_Damn it, why couldn't they have gotten a hologram of him to host the new Unsolved Mysteries?' _Deadpool asked. _'Although I find it funny that show went from Lifetime, television for women, to Spike TV, the home of stupid reality shows, although that's many networks, shows that empathize the worst qualities of men, and perhaps the worst of all….Impact Wrestling. And that network used to be TNN, home of country music, Dukes of Hazard Reruns, Waltons reruns, and Rollerjam.'_

'_We're getting off of the topic….again,' _the voice in Deadpool's head said.

'_Right, right, right,' _Deadpool thought. _'Hey, did you know if we played a music video, we've already played more than the last twenty years of MTV?'_

'_That jokes been driven into the ground so far that it's not even funny,' _one of the voices groaned.

"Anyway….update….yes, a shocking development in the entire Hermione Granger story has been twisted, Hermione Granger has been found, tied up and dumped in a vat of angry cats….no way that was a piece of bestiality smut fiction that I was writing," Deadpool said as he cleared his throat. "Anyway, news reached us today….news has reached us that JK Rowling admitted that at one point during the development of canon, that Harry/Hermione was supposed to be….a thing. Although why she would admit this, and fuel those people any more than they are now….I have no idea. Anyway, here is our special correspondent, Luna Lovegood, at the call center."

'_Hey wait, Luna Lovegood, Wade Wilson, we have something in common,' _Deadpool said.

'_You're both bugfuck nuts?' _one of the voices asked.

'_No alliteration!' _Deadpool cheered.

* * *

"Thanks Mr. Pool," Luna said in a dreamy voice. She was wearing a pair of Google glasses, several strands of her hair was dyed pink. She was wearing a white tank top that stretched around her modest breasts. She was wearing a colorful bright jacket with multi-colored tassels coming out of every direction. She was wearing a Kilt, with no underwear underneath and she wore two boots, one of them was purple and the other was blue and they were placed on the wrong feet, which caused her to walk crookedly. "The news has come out where JK Rowling admitted that Hermione Jean, maybe Jane, that kind of got changed when she realized that she would share the same name with Umbridge, Granger, and Harry James…..no that's not his middle name….Harry Fucking Potter, should have gotten together. The author of this piece, Mr. 09, could not be reached for comment, although we can confirm that he is not on suicide watch."

Luna gave one of her Luna smiles, which looked like she was high on several drugs. "So anyway, there was much rejoicing among the Harmonian shippers that Rowling basically admitted what they had theorized for years. I discussed this matter with one of them, who had this to say."

The Harmonian shitter er shipper, was shown in shadow and they had this mature and charming statement. "Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, I was right, so suck it!"

"Well, that really says it all, doesn't it?" Luna asked with a bright grin. "Back to you, Mr. Pool."

* * *

"Oh My Stan, they'll be insufferable now won't you?" Deadpool but an old man with silver hair, dressed in a blue suit showed up.

"Did someone people my name, true believers?" the one, the only, Stan Fucking Lee, said as he turned up to make his obligated by contract cameo.

"Stan Lee, what are you doing here?" Deadpool asked.

"Making a cameo," Stan said cheerfully. "Excelsior!"

"Well, that was random," Deadpool said. "Regardless of the fact, Harry/Hermione was going to be a thing, apparently, at one point. Although that means that these people will have fan fiction that is more abundant than ever and they will be more insufferable than ever before."

Suddenly the computer on the stand by Deadpool blinked up and he stepped over, putting on a pair of reading glasses over his mask. "May I have your attention please? I have received an e-mail from the author of this story."

Deadpool waited for silence.

"Megamatt09 has said….and I quote…."The fact that JK Rowling said that Harry/Hermione should have been canon does not make it any more relevant than any number of pieces of drivel that she spouts in her interviews, that many fans personally choose not to acknowledge as canon. Hell, the first two books might have been a really bad acid trip for several fans, and also, the movies were an abomination…..even X-Men: Origins Wolverine was better…."

Deadpool stopped and his mouth hung open. "Well, that's a fucking lie, but the movies did kind of suck…..anyway back to the subject."

"And the fact that most straight males and many females would bone Emma Watson if they had the opportunity, does not change the fact that the character of Hermione Granger was anything but a nagging bint, and the fact that she got progressively worse over the years. And fact is that if this pairing was canon…it might have actually not been a bad thing. Because one of two things would happen. Hermione would be worse than ever, to the point where people could not help but acknowledge her real flaws. Or two, Hermione would have gone down the road of Nymphadora Tonks, becoming weak and submissive after having so much potential in the world. So take that for what it's worth."

Deadpool sighed.

"Well that says it all, I'm sure that there will be an influx of Harry/Hermione AU fan fictions in the weeks and months to come, which I'm sure will get millions of hits, thousands of reviews, just despite being the same thing that was around since 2001 or whenever," Deadpool said and he paused. "Hey, Luna, are you doing anything on Saturday night?"

"I'm hunting for Crumple Horned Snorkacks!" Luna called cheerfully.

'_Is that what they're calling it now?' _the voice in Deadpool asked.

'_Didn't Rowling say that those didn't exist in one of her interviews?' _one of the other voices asked.

'_JK Rowling says a lot of things,' _Deadpool thought as he shook his head. _'It's her fault that this entire cult of Harmony thing exists in the first place and she just made it ten times worse now.'_

'_Didn't she just say that they should have gotten together, not that they were going to get together?' _another voice asked. _'Weren't you listening to what Miss Lovegood said in there?'_

'_This makes a better story, so shut your mouth, and that's what the local news said, and if you can't trust the news media to tell the truth, than who can you trust? _Deadpool thought to them. _'Although given how many times she changes her story, it will likely be that in a number of days anyway.'_

'_Well fuck it then, it's still a stupid thing to admit with those people on the loose,' _the voice in Deadpool's head said.

"Anyway….with that settled…tune in next week for these exciting mysteries," Deadpool said as he cleared his throat. "Did the Butler do it or was it suicide? Is your government spying on you watching porn? Was a drunken Sirius Black really D.B. Cooper? Who is behind the growing rash of kitten puntings? Could it be someone who may be anonymously reviewing your fanfiction? Tune in next week. Maybe you can help solve a mystery."

An anvil crashed randomly on Deadpool's head, knocking him out.

"Oh, who did that," Deadpool grumbled.

'_Maybe that's a mystery for next time as well?' _one of the voices said groggily. Deadpool was hit so hard that the voices in his head had voices in their head.

Luna whistled innocently and slowly skipped off camera as we faded to black.

**The End(Of the Line For You All). **


End file.
